Everyone has internal family feuds occasionally. Some families have them more often than others. Some families, by some miracle of God, never seem to have any true “feuds” that endure. Then there are some that take their family feuds to the next level. You have probably heard of a few yourself. I know I have!
They’re the ones that let little things compound. Building and building, incident upon incident, until multiple little feuds become large feuds; then it eventually becomes a full blown rift. A rift so deep and wide that communication ceases to exist; family bonds are forever broken. That is truly a hard loss, as our family should be the ones we rely on when all others abandon us.
“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.” Proverbs 10:12
For some people, it’s a matter of pride and an absolute refusal to “meet in the middle”. For others, it becomes a matter of self preservation; an absolute boundary that must be protected lest the casualties become too great a cost.
Sadly, it is true that there comes a point when one must recognize that reconciliation will never happen. Or even the point at which a person’s destructive attitude or behavior is doing detrimental physical and/or mental harm to oneself and others. In those cases, the proverbial “line in the sand” must be drawn.
“Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave.” –Indira Gandhi
Yet, one thing is true no matter how large, or small, a division is. You must still forgive the other person, or persons. Forgiveness isn’t just “setting the other person (or family member) free”. Forgiveness is setting yourself free. Actually, forgiveness probably benefits you more than you can ever fathom. True forgiveness involves releasing the other party’s “right” to affect you.
“A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.” – Jackie Robinson.
Even after dealing with forgiveness, we must keep in mind that it takes “two to tango”. It’s never just one party’s fault one hundred percent of the time. Like I mentioned in a previous blog post, we must be aware of what we ourselves are bringing to the family relationship. Are we helping or hindering moving forward? What IS our own contribution to the family feud?
Well… Ouch. I have to admit I’m not always on the desirable end of that equation. Although, when I do realize the error of my ways, then I do strive to correct myself and bring my relationships back into harmony. The truth is that my perception isn’t always the best for all parties involved. (Shocker, I know!)
“Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offence up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love.” –Gary Chapman
For me, the heart of the matter is the fact that behind every disgruntled, disconnected family member is still a soul that God loves, Jesus Christ died for, and the Holy Spirit longs to communicate with. Those things are not “just for me”.
God offers all of those to everyone. As a Christian, God has sent us out in part to show others His love for them. For me there has become no greater task than to love others. And as the song says, “love the unlovable”. After all, the unlovable are those in the greatest need of our forgiveness, compassion, and our love.
“Forgiveness is the final form of love.” –Reinhold Niebuhr
So, why should our family members be any different? Why not go after them with kindness, compassion, and forgiveness, instead of writing them off and walking away? Why?
We all have our reasons to “walk”. But, maybe its finally time to put those rifts to rest. At the least, it’s time to grant forgiveness and embrace the peace that can finally be ours.
May you find peace. Peace that surpasses your deepest longings.
No matter the size of the feuds in your family, together or apart, may your newfound peace connect you to your family in new and forgiving ways.
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